Do As You’re Told: All The Rules For Submisives In BDSM

Do As You’re Told: All The Rules For Submisives In BDSM

Do As You're Told: All The Rules For Submissives In BDSM
Table Of Contents
What is A Submissive?
What Are Submissive Rules?
Communicate With Your Sub About BDSM Submissive Rules
Not All Rules Are Universal For Sub
Types of BDSM Submissive Rules
Closing Thoughts

Lately, I’ve been talking about BDSM a lot on the website and even recently wrote an article about safe BDSM play.

Today, I’m going to be taking things in a different direction and talking about BDSM submissive rules that you can use with your partner.

For those of you who are new to BDSM, I’m going to break things down for you nicely to give you the information that you need around submissives and why rules are important and can even make your relationship that much better.

Just a disclaimer before we jump into things, however. BDSM play is something that should be enjoyed by both people. 

If the rules that are set into motion are uncomfortable for one of you, they need to be changed. BDSM submissive rules work best if both parties can enjoy the activities and get the most out of them.


What is A Submissive?

A submissive is a person who likes to be ordered around and told what they have to do. They get sexually aroused by this and therefore need a person who can be dominant.

If you are the dominant person in your BDSM relationship, you must make sure that you are looking after the safety of your submissive. It can be very easy to have things get out of control during an intense BDSM session. As I mentioned above, check out my blog post on safe BDSM play if you want to make sure you are not hurting your partner.

What Are Submissive Rules?

Do As You're Told: All The Rules For Submissives In BDSM

BDSM submissive rules are rules that are put in place by the dominant person in the relationship and outline a series of expectations, duties, and tasks that the submissive must perform.

BDSM submissive rules are used to create some structure in the relationship and they don’t always have to be sexual in nature.

People often confuse BDSM submissive rules with commands. When you give your submissive person a command, you are telling them something you want to do right then and there. It is not something that becomes habitual or a daily routine. BDSM submissive rules on the other hand are things that should be done every day or at the agreed-upon time without needing to remind them.

A command might look like this for example: Show me several outfits and I will choose the one that you have to wear tonight.

A rule, however, might look like this: On Tuesdays, you have to wear the red lace lingerie at night. As you can see, the difference between a rule and a command is that a BDSM submissive rule is long-term.

You are expecting your sub to perform the task often without you having to tell them either. It can take a bit of time to build up these routines, but once you have done it, BDSM submissive rules can end a whole extra layer of spice to your relationship.

Communicate With Your Sub About BDSM Submissive Rules

Do As You're Told: All The Rules For Submissives In BDSM

I always talk about the importance of communication and aftercare with BDSM play and BDSM submissive rules are no exception.

You should be talking to your sub to truly understand how they feel about the rules and what you can do to change them. At the same time, you want to ensure that the rules are not just selfishly created for your enjoyment.

It can be very easy to get wrapped up in ordering your sub to always cook for you or to always ensure that the house is clean. A good dominant person will have several BDSM submissive rules that look out for the mental state of the submissive person and give them some time to unwind and decompress.

Once again to give an example, a rule that is only based around your pleasure might be: You always have to give me a massage once I get home from work.

On the other hand, a rule that looks out for the wellbeing of your sub might be: On Thursday nights, you choose an activity for us to do after dinner.

The second rule gives your submissive the creativity to do whatever they want depending on their mood. They might be feeling a little frisky and want to hop in the bed with you, or they might want to go outside for a walk to spend some quality time.

The importance here is that this rule gives them time to express themselves as a person at the moment. If you are the dominant person in your relationship, you need to make sure that your BDSM submissive rules give your sub some time to be themselves.

I know I already talked about this, but I want to mention it again in regards to BDSM submissive rules. When you are first setting BDSM submissive rules, make sure that you are in constant communication with your sub. In plenty of situations, they won’t actively speak up when something bothers them for fear of upsetting the dominant person. Therefore, you must have aftercare, along with good heart-to-heart communication.

Not All Rules Are Universal For Sub

I’m about to start talking about some of our favorite BDSM submissive rules but before I do, I have to have one final disclosure. What rules I like as a sub might not be the rules that your sub likes. These are all going to be basic ideas, and it is up to you to communicate with your sub to see what is best for you. Some of these rules might be a little intimidating for people who are new to BDSM, while others might be a little too mild. Always look for ways to either spice up or tone down the BDSM submissive rules as needed.

Types of BDSM Submissive Rules

When it comes to creating BDSM submissive rules, Ben and I break them down into several different categories:

  1. 1
    General Standards of Behavior
  2. 2
    Daily Routine
  3. 3
    Weekly Events & Special Occasions
  4. 4
    Household Chores
  5. 5
    Communication
  6. 6
    Grooming/Body Care/Hygiene
  7. 7
    Sexual

All of these rules help to ensure that we don’t neglect the daily responsibilities of our lives while also ensuring that we have a lot of fun when it comes to sexual play. Here are Ben and I’s favorite BDSM submissive rules.

General Standards of Behavior

General rules are rules that are in place at any point in the day. They are not specific to certain actions such as sex or cleaning. Therefore, if you plan on engaging in a BDSM-style relationship, these are BDSM submissive rules that will always be in place for your sub.

  1. 1
    The sub must tell the truth at all times
  2. 2
    The safe word must not be abused by the sub
  3. 3
    The sub must reply adequately if asked ‘What’s Wrong?’
  4. 4
    Any important issues must be discussed with the dom
  5. 5
    The sub will not attempt to manipulate the dom.

These first four general BDSM submissive rules are great for any relationship. These help to promote trust between partners as I must always tell the truth to Ben when asked. These BDSM submissive rules also look out for my safety as it forces me to voice my concerns if anything is bothering me. 

We’ve all seen many relationships where someone responds with ‘nothing’ when asked ‘What’s Wrong?’. This is unhealthy on many different levels and it can start to divide a couple. These BDSM submissive rules once again force the sub to speak out about their own safety, even if it might hurt the dominant.

As a dom, you have to ensure that you are listening to them and not disciplining them for doing something like this. By doing that, you are essentially ruining the experience for your sub and not looking after their own wellbeing.

  1. 6
    The outfits worn by the sub must be approved and inspected by the dominant
  2. 7
    The sub will respect their dom at all times
  3. 8
    The sub will act in a manner that paints the dom in good light
  4. 9
    The sub must complete all requests unless it jeopardizes their own safety
  5. 10
    The sub will not fear discipline if they act out at any point in the day
  6. 11
    The sub must always greet the dom when they enter the same room

These BDSM submissive rules are more for fun than anything else. We find that these rules work best for us and we enjoy using them on a daily basis. You might find that some of these general BDSM submissive rules work for you, while others don’t. I challenge you to get creative with your BDSM submissive rules and find out what works best for you.

Daily Routine

These are BDSM submissive rules that will apply to the daily routine of your sub. While they might sound similar to general rules, these are generally only done once a day, whereas general rules can be enacted at multiple times. 

  1. 1
    The sub must masturbate every night before bed
  2. 2
    The sub must wear a butt plug for two hours before going to bed
  3. 3
    The sub must wear an item of ownership if they plan on leaving the home (any item chosen by the dom)
  4. 4
    The sub must submit the outfit that they plan on wearing each day

These BDSM submissive rules create a great routine that you can establish with your partner. They can help to lead into sex or lead into other rules. Having a good amount of daily routine BDSM submissive rules can help make sure the sub knows what they need to do at any point in the day.

Weekly Events and Special Occasions

These are BDSM submissive rules that are best for creating more intimate moments at home, along with establishing rules when we go out. Please note that when you are going out BDSM submissive rules are not supposed to be controlling in a jealous manner. Once again, it’s important that everything is done out of enjoyment and arousal.

  1. 1
    The sub must cook for the dom on Tuesday night wearing only an apron and stockings. The meal that is cooked will be decided by the dom.
  2. 2
    Whenever the sub goes out, they must wear a remote-controlled vibrator that the dom can control. The sub must present themselves to the dom who then will insert the vibrator in.
  3. 3
    The sub must remove their underwear upon request when out in public with the dom.
  4. 4
    When at a party, the sub must ensure the dom always has a drink
  5. 5
    At kinky parties and orgies, the sub must get on their knees and ask for permission from the dom to do anything sexual with another person

Ben and I find that these BDSM submissive rules work great for the few times that we go out and have fun. His personal favorite is having me cook completely nude aside from an apron, and that is why we have integrated it as a weekly event. Having to wear a vibrator in public is a rule that I enjoy as it turns me on a lot being pleasured in public.

Household Chores

These are BDSM submissive rules that are put in place to ensure our house stays clean and tidy. Be careful that there is a fine line between play and inequality. If the sub is always doing everything around the house, it can lead to future arguments and problems.

  1. 1
    The sub must prepare the dom’s favorite meal at least once a week
  2. 2
    The sub will keep the household looking neat and tidy
  3. 3
    The sub will quickly do laundry to ensure the dom can always wear what they want
  4. 4
    The sub will prepare at least 3 meals a week

As I mentioned, with these BDSM submissive rules, you have to communicate with your sub to ensure that they are happy with these rules. I’ve seen some relationships where a dom uses this excuse to not have any responsibility in the home. While we do have rules in place for me to clean, Ben still helps out around the house and does what he can. Do not force your sub into slavery-style rules, especially if they do not want them.

Communication

These BDSM submissive rules apply to how the sub communicates and addresses the dom. These rules can be both in person and via text message so feel free to get creative.

  1. 1
    The sub must always refer to the dominant as ‘Sir’ unless otherwise stated.
  2. 2
    The sub must inform the dom whenever they plan on leaving the house
  3. 3
    The sub must inform the dom of their plans and schedule for the day
  4. 4
    The sub must respond quickly to text messages sent by the dom or explain why it took them so long
  5. 5
    The sub must not answer use their phone when the dom is speaking to them (exceptions for work emergencies)
  6. 6
    The sub must let the dom know if they are going to break any rules

These communication rules that Ben and I have in place not only help to keep the power dynamic going, but they also help to protect me as well. For example, if I need to break any rules in the future, letting Ben know will ensure that he doesn’t act in character and disciplines me. The communication rules are in place to ensure that we are in character for the most part with our BDSM submissive rules, but we can easily break out of it when necessary.

Grooming/Body Care/Hygiene

These BDSM submissive rules are fairly self-explanatory and are used to help ensure that the sub is taking care of their body daily. Ben and I have a few rules here, but for the most part, we leave each other to our own grooming routines.

  1. 1
    The sub must shave their pubic hair to the dom’s liking
  2. 2
    The sub must shower at night before bed
  3. 3
    The sub should inform the dom if they are feeling unwell
  4. 4
    The sub must exercise for at least 15 minutes each day

As I mentioned earlier, Ben and I prefer to let me have my own hygiene and daily care routines. I know what’s best for my body and I have plenty of different products that I use. If Ben tried to interfere with all of that, he would be creating a lot of problems. The rules that we have in place are just to ensure that we don’t spread disease if I get sick and that I stay healthy. I enjoy working out and exercising so 15 minutes a day is not something I force myself to do.

Sexual

These are my favorite rules as they pertain to when we are getting down and dirty. There are plenty of different BDSM submissive rules that you can use here and you can get quite creative as well. Here are some of the favorites that Ben and I have.

  1. 1
    The sub will not masturbate unless the dom allows them to
  2. 2
    The sub must give full control to the dom during sex
  3. 3
    The sub will be told how to masturbate if they are allowed to do so
  4. 4
    The sub must ask the dom if they want oral sex or a handjob when they wake up in the morning

You might be surprised to find that we don’t have a lot of BDSM submissive rules when it comes to sex. The ones we do have though, I am quite happy with and use them from time to time. Why don’t we have that many? Ben loves sex as much as I do and will often ask for it, and the majority of the time I will say yes; however, there are some times when I’m not up for it and I will say that. We don’t have a rule regarding sex for that reason.

The other thing I want to mention is that we don’t always use these rules when we are having sex. If we want to have a BDSM session then we are going to use these rules, otherwise, we are going to have fun as we see fit.

Closing Thoughts

There are plenty of rules on this list that you can use and choose from to spice up your sex life. As I’ve mentioned multiple times throughout the article, you always have to communicate with your sub to ensure that you are both happy. At the end of the day, Ben and I do what we love, and you should look to do the same with you and your partner.

About the Author

Hi! I’m The Gritty Woman. I'm the writer, photographer, and creator of thegrittywoman.com, a leading sex blog, where I share my personal experiences and knowledge on sex, sexuality, body positivity, BDSM and kink.