Beginners Guide to Chastity and Orgasm Denial

Chastity and Orgasm Denial:

So, you want to know more about chastity and orgasm denial? Maybe you are curious as to why some of us get our kicks through denying that peak of pleasure to others, or wondering how it could be that to some, NOT having an orgasm is exactly what they crave and being locked up in chastity is their idea of bliss? Maybe you are already experimenting with orgasm denial and are looking for new ways to ruin an orgasm? You have come to the right place. Sit down, buckle up and let’s begin.

Why do people enjoy chastity and orgasm denial?

There are so many different answers to this question. Sexuality is so diverse that there is no “one size fits all” answer, but generally, orgasm denial and chastity is a fantasy, a fetish or a lifestyle choice for the people who enjoy this type of play. Some couples enjoy the power dynamic involved with orgasm denial. The partner in control of the others pleasure (Who I will refer to as the dominant, for simplicity.) may enjoy having this power and control over another. The submissive partner may be turned on by giving up this control. Some dominants and submissives feel that denial helps focus the attention of the submissive, increasing their desire for intimacy, affection and submission. While this may be the driving force for some, it is worth noting that submission and orgasm denial are two separate desires. You cannot ‘make’ someone submissive through orgasm denial if they genuinely are not submissive by nature or desire anyway. Likewise, D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationships do not require orgasm denial for it to be “The one True Way”.

You can still enjoy orgasm denial without being submissive, dominant, or even involved in a BDSM relationship. For these couples, the thrill might be in the tease. There can be nothing sexier, surely, than teasing your partner for hours, even days, knowing that they are desperately turned on and ready to explode, and keeping them in this heightened state of arousal for a while, knowing that when they do eventually climax, it will be all the more intense, satisfying and rewarding for you both. In that period of teasing, every touch feels much more intense and every thought gets the blood pumping. Many people enjoy being teased. Some only enjoy it for a few hours, before negative frustration kicks in, while others find bliss in extending this teasing over days, months and in some cases, years. There is no right or wrong way to play. Only what feels good for you and your partner. Chastity and orgasm denial can also be a lifestyle choice. For example, the Taoist belief is that men should withhold their ejaculate and this will energise and fortify him.

How can I experience orgasm denial?

As with any desires, it is important to communicate your thoughts with your partner, if you want to enjoy them together. If you are comfortable talking openly about your fantasies, you can grow together. Never force your desires onto another though. If your partner is not interested, you have to respect that decision.

A great way to introduce orgasm denial into your relationship is to experiment together with teasing and edging. Rather than partaking in sexual activity with orgasm as the main goal, the journey is now the highlight. You can experiment, finding new ways to tease your partner until their arousal levels are very high, and then reduce that stimulation, allowing their arousal to build and fall, like a wave, until they can’t take it anymore.. If your partner craves orgasm denial, and understands what they are letting themselves in for, you can take it further and deny them that final release, but it is worth remembering that orgasm denial can produce strong emotions and if your partner is new to this type of play, it could be too intense if you jump straight into the deep end.  I would suggest that you do not make any rules at first and just experiment together until you discover the most suitable form of denial for you.

Methods of orgasm denial:


Edging, as the name suggests is the act of taking yourself, or your lover, to the brink of orgasm, to the point just before control is lost, and stopping all stimulation. If your timing is right, the sensation of impending orgasm will fade and orgasm will not occur. Edging can be very intense and it does take a little practice to master, but once you become aware of your own point of no return, (The moment where you have begun to tip over and have lost control, meaning you cannot stop the orgasm.) it becomes easier to know exactly when to stop all stimulation. Of course, accidents still happen. You can practise edging as little or as often as you wish and edging your partner in sessions, over a period of days, weeks or months can leave them feeling constantly aroused, frustrated and in need of a release.

Ruined orgasm:

A ruined orgasm, as the name suggests, is an orgasm that was not enjoyable and these occur when you push yourself, or your partner just a fraction beyond the point of no return and then stop all stimulation or cause discomfort (See “How to ruin an orgasm” below) Ruined orgasms do not feel as intense or as satisfying as full orgasms do. Often there will be less, or no, orgasmic contractions and the orgasmic sensations will feel weak and fade away very quickly. Men may still ejaculate semen, but often it will dribble or ooze out, rather than squirt. The person on the receiving end of a ruined orgasm will often enter their refractory period; the recovery phase normally associated with a normal orgasm, where the penis, or clitoris is too sensitive to touch and men may lose their erection. In some cases it will be possible to continue stimulation after a ruined orgasm, allowing you to continue and build towards orgasm again. It is therefore possible to give your partner numerous ruined orgasms in one session. Ruined orgasms will leave your submissive feeling frustratingly unsatisfied and are often used by a Dominant as a method of milking a submissive male, allowing him to release semen, without the pleasure of orgasm.

How can I ruin an orgasm?

Physical ways to ruin an orgasm:

Stopping all stimulation just after your submissive hits the ‘point of no return’ is one of the easiest, safest ways to provide an unsatisfying, weak orgasm with few muscle contractions. The hard part is finding the precise moment to stop stimulation. If you stop too soon, your partner will ride the edge, but not tip over. Worse still (For those of us hoping to deny pleasure) is stimulating your partner for a few seconds too long, which will allow them to experience a more enjoyable orgasm than you wanted to provide.  To ruin an orgasm using this technique, you can ask your partner to tell you when they are right on the edge. This gives you the power to hold them there, or push them over with one or two more strokes. This method is great for getting started, but might not be ideal if you do not want your partner to be in control. After all, some cheeky sub may allow you to continue stimulation for a few seconds too long, because they want the orgasm. With practice, you will become a master at reading your partners verbal and physical cues that tell you orgasm is approaching, allowing you to control things fully.

Another way to ruin an orgasm is through pain. (Be sure to communicate with your partner and agree to this before you try these techniques) Slapping or flicking the clitoris, glans of the penis or the testicles, is not only shocking, but uncomfortable too and if this is done at the point of no return, it can be effective at ruining an orgasm in most people. Just be sure to slap hard enough to cause a little pain, otherwise you are just playing with it and we don’t want that, do we? It is also worth bearing in mind that for some people, pain IS pleasure and if they generally enjoy genital pain, then this method could cause them to have a very enjoyable orgasm.

With some males, restricting the release of his semen will frustratingly ruin his orgasm and can feel uncomfortable. (It should not be painful.) Ruining his orgasm in this way can be achieved by either squeezing the penis around the base, or just underneath the glans, or putting your finger or thumb over his urethra at the point of no return, effectively blocking the flow of semen. Keep holding until all muscle contractions and spasms have stopped and those orgasmic sensations have ended. When you remove your hand, or finger, a small amount of semen may dribble from his penis, while some of the semen may have gone into the bladder (Retrograde ejaculation) The semen is passed out when he urinates, which may give his urine a cloudy appearance. There are mixed opinions on whether forcing retrograde ejaculation is safe. I have read articles from some professionals stating it will not cause any problems and others saying it could. I am no doctor, so do your own research on this and decide for yourself whether this practice is safe for you or your partner.

Psychological ways to deny orgasm:

There are also lots of mind games you can play, to effectively deny your partner an orgasm, or to make them think twice about cheating. (Masturbating to orgasm secretly) but now we move into the realms of psychological play and it is therefore imperative that you both communicate effectively and ensure you are in agreement to this type of play. It goes without saying that these games end if either of you are unhappy. Communicate at all times.

One of the most enjoyable ways (In my opinion) to deny your partner an orgasm is to implant an idea, or threat, that will make your partner WANT to hold back their climax. This way, your partner does your bidding for you. The fun here is that they will be constantly in turmoil. On one hand, they desperately want that orgasm, but on the other hand, they know there will be a downside, or a punishment, if they do. It’s beautiful. Other ways to deny orgasm include bribery, promises or challenges. Some of the following ideas may be very effective for one person, but be of little consequence to another so I recommend tailoring these to suit your own tastes and levels of acceptance, or coming up with your own ideas to suit.

Some tease and denial ideas to get you started:

There are many games you can play with dice. You could assign each number on the dice to mean something. A three could mean that they have to edge 3 times and then stop for the day. A 5 could signify no touching allowed at all and a four could allow them an orgasm. Simply roll it every day before you play. I recommend buying two dice, if you fancy being more creative and reducing their chances of orgasm. You can also play this game with a pack of cards.

Allow your partner the opportunity to orgasm, but only from certain stimulation, like a feather, or by humping the arm of a chair. Just be aware that with an exceptionally aroused partner, they might actually be able to achieve this. Set them a certain amount of time and if you ensure that the stimulation (or time) is not quite enough, it will lead to a frustrating attempt or even a ruined orgasm on their part.

Using a timer, you could allow your partner the opportunity to orgasm, but only if they reach orgasm within X amount of time. (Ensure to count down the seconds or minutes out loud occasionally, to put the pressure on and break their focus.) You could even allow them to “earn” time throughout the week, for good deeds or tasks completed, or allow them to earn 30 seconds or 1 minute per day that passes and let them choose when to cash in their time. They will want to ensure they have stored up enough time and so will effectively be denying themselves.

Tell your partner that they can’t stimulate their genitals in any way, until they have given you X amount of orgasms first. Just remember that the higher the count, the longer they wait and they will be keen to pleasure you often.

Need more ideas? If so, check out my “Orgasm Denial Games and Ideas” post.

Important things to remember:

Orgasm denial and chastity can be a huge amount of fun for those who enjoy playing in this way. As with all sexuality, there is no “One True Way” and anyone who tells you there is, is talking nonsense. You are only doing it wrong if you are not enjoying yourself. It is that simple, so if Person X approaches you and tells you that you are not “truly” into orgasm denial (or any other aspect of your sexuality) because your ideals do not match theirs, ignore them and be yourself. The most important thing is to have fun.


What do you enjoy about chastity and orgasm denial? Leave your comments below.

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27 replies
  1. Alisha
    Alisha says:

    I have tried to give my husband a ruined orgasm but when he is about to have his orgasm ruined he grabs his penis and strokes it to reach orgasm. Do you think it’s a good idea to restrain his hands behind him so he can’t do that?

    • GrittyWoman
      GrittyWoman says:

      Does he know that you are trying to deny/ruin his orgasm? It really depends on how you want to approach it and whether he is willing to be teased and denied this way. Restraining his hands would be a good idea. One thing I would recommend is telling him before you start that you are in control and he does not have permission to touch himself. If he does, there will be consequences. You could also punish him for helping himself by continuing to stroke his penis after he orgasms (post orgasm torture) or denying him an orgasm altogether the next time you play. Basically, make it so the punishment is not worth the crime. 🙂

  2. John
    John says:

    I’ve been married for 15 years and only recently discovered tease and denial. I have a fairly dominant personality but I get real sexual high from my wife being sexually dominant. One of my favorites was when she went to Saturday morning workout class and then when she came home she took me to to the bedroom and demanded that I eat her. After she came she teased me a by having me insert my penis part way into her. She thrusted slowly for 10 to 20 seconds and then abruptly stopped telling me I’ll have to wait till later. By that point I was hyperventilating. Then she told me I had to watch her take a shower. It was a long wait till that night. I’m just glad she didn’t make me wait till the morning.

  3. Maria
    Maria says:

    Outstanding article. DS lifestyle was not important to me.Important for me that my husband craves and has passion for me. Chastity belt prevents that he plays with his favorite toy and dissipates his energy. Energy remains for his wife. I further intensifies his energy with daily teasing. Long denial further increases his energy.All this increases his level of testosterone increases libido. His desire with me is amazing.
    I love it when he opens his mouth wide, with full of passion when I show him breasts or pussy. I became aware slowly, I’m little dominant

    • VintageHubby
      VintageHubby says:

      I love.. LOVE the idea of tease and denial. A woman controlling my hardon, my pleasure, my release. For a few months I have been reading blogs, articles and stories of sweet, tender, loving but dominant wives who tease their husbands and cause then to ache with need. So very sensual and erotic.

  4. Michael
    Michael says:

    Excellent article. My wife and I practiced chestity and orgasm denial since 2010. At first it was very hard for me. When I finally managed to concentrate only on satisfaction of my wife all received their purpose. Teasing at least once a day, orgasm denial and ruined orgasm are required. Normal orgasm, disrupt my mod for days, my desire for my wife drops down. Orgasm denial and at final ruined orgasm are necessary for a good male mode.

    • GrittyWoman
      GrittyWoman says:

      Thank you for your kind words and sharing your story.Chastity and orgasm denial can be an emotional journey and is certainly not for everyone, but I am glad you and your wife fell into a good pattern that pleases you both. We feel the same after normal orgasm; it can drop your (and your partner’s) desire and mood, to orgasm after building on a period of denial. Well, it does for us, but I guess everyone does this a little differently. Best wishes to you and your wife.

  5. AmorphiasCuck
    AmorphiasCuck says:

    I found your article very interesting. As someone who is submissive, in chastity 24/7 and in a cuckold relationship chastity and control plays a very big part in my life. For me chastity, orgasm denial and the submission it involves is almost purely psychological. It is about the control someone has over me, my body, and the humiliation I feel being locked up. For some it is a way to “play” with their partner, for others it is there life.

  6. Mmm
    Mmm says:

    “they desperately want that orgasm, but on the other hand, they know there will be a downside, or a punishment, if they do”

    What kind of punishments work to keep someone from allowing themselves to ‘O’. (I know everyone is different, but a jumping off point is helpful).

    • GrittyWoman
      GrittyWoman says:

      Thank you for your comment. I will try to help. You are correct, everyone is indeed different, so it is about finding out what works as a punishment for you/your partner. It could be pain (Spanking, clamps, stretchers, spikes, ice, CBT, post orgasm torture or whatever causes discomfort) it could be humiliation (Sissification, having them crawl on all fours, beg forgiveness, given a humiliating task to complete or even a talking down, using humiliating language) It could be more denial (If you cum I will double the time until you are next allowed to touch yourself/orgasm) It could even be being ignored/denied any attention (This is a strong punishment for some submissives), or making them work for their forgiveness through chores. See, some people would find some of these things arousing, others would class them as a true punishment, some would find them boring or not appealing at all. Once you have a list, it is then up to the top to decide if they truly want to punish for the action, or indulge in some “funishment” (A punishment that is actually arousing or fun for you both) Learning what is fun and what is not will help you come up with a list of actual punishments and funishments (It will be different for every person) and it is up to the top to decide which course of action to take if the bottom breaks a rule. I like to mix it up: Pain, humiliation, ignoring and denial. What you want to do is find a powerful enough reason to motivate the bottom into obeying the rules set.

  7. shiv
    shiv says:

    whats the reasoning for milking a cock and denying the orgasm? is there more to milking then just a form of a handjob? can you help me understand the pros and cons of this type of activity?

    thanks 🙂

    • GrittyWoman
      GrittyWoman says:

      In general, the reason for milking a cock is to allow the male to release semen, but to do so in a way that denies him pleasure. The reason people do this is varied. Some believe that milking him will keep his body healthy and that denying a male this release for too long can cause issues like prostatitis (infection of the prostate). Others believe that milking him will take the edge off of his arousal and keep the male in a docile, submissive state, without allowing him the pleasure. Others do it simply for enjoyment, punishment or fun. Milking a male can mean slightly different things to different people. Some describe “milking” as the act of stimulating his prostate only, until he leaks fluid, whereas others may describe their man as being “milked” after giving him a completely unsatisfying ruined orgasm. Generally though, the term means to get him to release cum, without feeling any pleasure from it. The pros and cons will depend on the couple and their interpretation of their orgasm denial. As mentioned, some feel it is a pro that the male feels more submissive, or that he no longer has strong sexual urges, whereas others may not enjoy this and actively want to keep the male in a state of high arousal. So, the pros and cons will vary from relationship to relationship.

  8. shiv
    shiv says:

    What is the difference between ruining an orgasm and denying one completely? Which one would be more frustrating? if you had 2 outcomes and could only pick 1, what would it be and why?

    • GrittyWoman
      GrittyWoman says:

      The difference between a ruined orgasm and denying one completely is this: A ruined orgasm happens when the person tips over the point of no return (where they can no longer stop the orgasm from happening) However, as the person tips over the point of no return, their orgasm is “ruined” in such a way that they no longer feel much pleasure from it. You can ruin an orgasm in this way by employing one or more of the techniques in this article. With ruined orgasms in males, it is usually normal to see them release semen and both sexes are likely to hit the “refractory period” (The time just after orgasm when they lose their erection or suddenly lose the urge to continue) but they will feel frustrated because they have now lost the urge, but did not get a proper release.

      Denying an orgasm completely means not tipping over the point of no return at all. For example, edging close the to point of no return, but stopping before tipping over.

      Which one feels most frustrating really depends on the person. Some people would happily take a ruined orgasm over being denied completely and some are even turned on massively by having their orgasm ruined. Other people find the ruined orgasm much more frustrating than being denied. I personally like to mix it up. I could not choose just one because I think they both have a place in orgasm denial sessions. I would recommend communicating with your partner after being denied and ruined and ask which feels more frustrating. This way, you can plan your sessions based on whether you want to “treat” them that night, or frustrate them. Hope this helped.

  9. primadonna25
    primadonna25 says:

    I actually have had a previous partner ruin an orgasm for me lol unintentionally and all I can remember is how pissed off I was lolol I would not ever want to experience that again.

    • GrittyWoman
      GrittyWoman says:

      Hehe! Yes, ruined orgasms are not for everyone, that’s for sure. Some people actually do like them, others do not, but in those cases, it can make an excellent “punishment”. 😀

  10. GrittyWoman
    GrittyWoman says:

    There are a few options. You can reach out to a professional Domme, but I recommend doing some research into finding one first. There are plenty of scammers out there who will happily take your money and run. If you don’t want to pay for their services, I suggest joining some kink related sites such as Fetlife and Collarspace. On these sites, you are more likely to meet somebody who shares your interests.


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